I hate losing friends. I don't feel as though I've done it via malicious methods often in life, but I also can have a wonderfully selective long-term memory that blots out the most painful stuff. I know I've gotten in some big snaggles with at least 75% of my closest friends, but all arguments of the sort that blow over with the right formula of time and changing scenery.
On the other hand, I don't think I'm wrong for reaching a point where solutions turn into more strife and the value of friendship has been outweighed by the burden of constantly being In The Wrong —tempered with feeling entirely misunderstood— and cutting ties. Clicking a button on the mouse isn't difficult, though the decision is. The ramifications aren't foreseeable, either. But I do not believe I have it in me to admit wrongfulness when I did something in the name of other friendships that resulted in not being liked by another handful of people. I totally hate being not liked; I'm not at all good at having an "f you if you don't like what I do" attitude (hi! please like me!) but that can only go so far.
I also want to find peace with the simple fact that I am happy with my life now. I have struggles (my body, some money battles though they have lessened, learning to be married and not suck at it, managing a social life and a difficult job that are completely intertwined, maintaining friendships with people I am no longer on the same plane with at times) but they are eased by the luck I've had in making the good things the important things. And it has taken a certain amount of work, though fate blessed me with far more fortune than most of the world. But it is tiring to always be thought of as a drag for being perceived as tame, boring, settled. And it is trying to have to hold my tongue when I want to say, "I'm in a good place now. I am happy!" but know it will meet with annoyance, rumoring, or grumbles. I do believe I am good at celebrating my friends' triumphs and not being too overt about my own. I do believe I am a listener, though that strength is imparted to me from my parents and my husband, who will listen to all my crazy so that I can put on a semblance of tranquility to friends who need support. I love being that support.
But I'm very exhausted of being unable to do anything right by some people who, I realize, I perhaps didn't know so well after all. Or I assumed things that I shouldn't have.
At the end of the day, my house is terribly and chronically messy and there's the possibility that the latest car payment might bounce if we don't deposit some of Richard's tip checks soon. I've made mistakes in my budget choices for FY 2010; some of the horses are old and I don't know if I'm doing the best thing for their digestive systems. Sometimes I struggle to keep up with the fundraising aspect of my job. Sometimes I forget to make phone calls, and sometimes I try to sweep those problems under the rug. I spend a lot of time wanting people to admire me. I gripe at my husband and say sarcastic things to him that I would try to keep from the worst of my neighbors. I'm worried about passing my certification test this next week in Oklahoma. I am sad that I can't travel with Kelsey right away and I wish I could show her in more ways how much her friendship means to me. My closest friend seems to want to prove me wrong on a lot of occasions; I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm just full of hot air. My dad is really sick. I weigh close to 150 pounds. That's 25 more than I did six months ago. It isn't a healthy place for my body because I haven't maintained my fitness level. I'm jealous when Richard goes mountain biking. I doubt myself in most ways. I'm vain and I'm proud of how far I've come in a short time after high school. I worry chronically that I've had too much luck, "pride goeth before the fall," yadda yadda, and tragedy is around the corner.
I know hundreds of millions of people have it worse off every second. I know my troubles pale in comparison.
But I am very happy. I don't feel the need to be kinetic with my life now. I like this place. I'm not ashamed of that, and I don't think it is a boring place.
I was scrolling through my bookmarks and just saw that you updated your blog, so yay!!
ReplyDeleteI think I really do understand where you are coming from. Losing friends absolutely kills me. I worry when I feel like we've grown apart (with you for sure, but everyone really) and sometimes that's the case, but other times I think it's that we each just have the same highs and lows, and when you don't talk as much you sometimes catch the other person when you're at the opposite end. If that makes sense! But it comes and goes. You are a great person! Basically the coolest person I know. Everyone does admire your life, but I think I understand the conflict for when things aren't perfect. I can be so snarky sometimes, I hate that about me! Poor Chase. ; )
If I'm who you think is always trying to prove you wrong I'm sorry. I think sometimes I do that without meaning to. I'm not trying to prove anyone wrong, I think I just like to be able to tell a story or have some input and that sometimes comes across as me always trying to be right.
Plus I think you have every right to be overwhelmed. I have the most pathetic social life ever and I can hardly keep up! As far as your Dad, I have no idea how that must be. It sounds incredibly hard. I absolutely love your family.
And I'm sorry about losing them as friends. I really don't even understand how someone can hold a grudge over a misunderstanding for THAT long. Friendships mean way too much to me to let them go over something that is so small. I don't know.