It's nine PM and I've been in my pajamas for just under an hour already. Delicious. True, I still have one horse to feed tonight, but that's exactly why shearling boots and Carhartt jackets were designed to fit over just about everything.
While Sunday was a perfect spring day at seventy-one degrees and cloudless, tomorrow there is a 90% chance of snow. Snow. I do not like snow, especially when tomorrow is the first day I will have had off in over two weeks and I had every intention of packing the dog and Richard into the hatchback and going to Fredericksburg for some barefooted hiking and scrambling around Enchanted Rock. I fear that if that does not happen, I'll instead spend my day off in a pile in bed watching Netflix and drinking coffee laced with hot chocolate. And that really isn't what I want to do, though I guess it wouldn't be all that bad.
As stated previously, spring is very busy here, which I really enjoy for the most part. I feel like I get a little lost in the fray sometimes and there are things that fall by the wayside that shouldn't (running, for one, and laundry, for another) but I love that I've been given lots of rein to make changes and look forward to improving things for this year and next and who knows however long afterwards. (Seems like most people stick around for two years. But I'm banking on doing everything I can to avoid moving, so maybe we'll be here longer? If we build on an attic by ourselves or something, as we are already pretty much out of space?) That said, we have moved feed companies and I hope to see some improvement per dollar in the condition of about four of our older horses. NOT to Purina, though the nutritionist was a very nice gentleman.. sorry, but buying $24/bag 32% protein feeds for my easy keepers is not in a Camp Budget, not even an uppity for-profit camp, let alone us.
Richard is off to his second adventure race with Bill and Ryne this weekend while us girls hold down the retreat fort. I'm rather sad that I don't get to be around for the debut of Team Hair In All The Right Places (oh yes, my husband came up with that one) but I'm good to focus on my own fitness. Barefoot running has swept over camp as a cool new craze, in addition to MovNat and we're all sporting our Vibram FiveFingers now. Well, three out of six of us. I suspect the trend will increase. ;)
Horses are good. Trying to get Pax about town a bit more and working on getting some riding lessons at the end of this week or beginning of next. Scheduling, growl.
22 February 2010
09 February 2010
I hate losing friends. I don't feel as though I've done it via malicious methods often in life, but I also can have a wonderfully selective long-term memory that blots out the most painful stuff. I know I've gotten in some big snaggles with at least 75% of my closest friends, but all arguments of the sort that blow over with the right formula of time and changing scenery.
On the other hand, I don't think I'm wrong for reaching a point where solutions turn into more strife and the value of friendship has been outweighed by the burden of constantly being In The Wrong —tempered with feeling entirely misunderstood— and cutting ties. Clicking a button on the mouse isn't difficult, though the decision is. The ramifications aren't foreseeable, either. But I do not believe I have it in me to admit wrongfulness when I did something in the name of other friendships that resulted in not being liked by another handful of people. I totally hate being not liked; I'm not at all good at having an "f you if you don't like what I do" attitude (hi! please like me!) but that can only go so far.
I also want to find peace with the simple fact that I am happy with my life now. I have struggles (my body, some money battles though they have lessened, learning to be married and not suck at it, managing a social life and a difficult job that are completely intertwined, maintaining friendships with people I am no longer on the same plane with at times) but they are eased by the luck I've had in making the good things the important things. And it has taken a certain amount of work, though fate blessed me with far more fortune than most of the world. But it is tiring to always be thought of as a drag for being perceived as tame, boring, settled. And it is trying to have to hold my tongue when I want to say, "I'm in a good place now. I am happy!" but know it will meet with annoyance, rumoring, or grumbles. I do believe I am good at celebrating my friends' triumphs and not being too overt about my own. I do believe I am a listener, though that strength is imparted to me from my parents and my husband, who will listen to all my crazy so that I can put on a semblance of tranquility to friends who need support. I love being that support.
But I'm very exhausted of being unable to do anything right by some people who, I realize, I perhaps didn't know so well after all. Or I assumed things that I shouldn't have.
At the end of the day, my house is terribly and chronically messy and there's the possibility that the latest car payment might bounce if we don't deposit some of Richard's tip checks soon. I've made mistakes in my budget choices for FY 2010; some of the horses are old and I don't know if I'm doing the best thing for their digestive systems. Sometimes I struggle to keep up with the fundraising aspect of my job. Sometimes I forget to make phone calls, and sometimes I try to sweep those problems under the rug. I spend a lot of time wanting people to admire me. I gripe at my husband and say sarcastic things to him that I would try to keep from the worst of my neighbors. I'm worried about passing my certification test this next week in Oklahoma. I am sad that I can't travel with Kelsey right away and I wish I could show her in more ways how much her friendship means to me. My closest friend seems to want to prove me wrong on a lot of occasions; I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm just full of hot air. My dad is really sick. I weigh close to 150 pounds. That's 25 more than I did six months ago. It isn't a healthy place for my body because I haven't maintained my fitness level. I'm jealous when Richard goes mountain biking. I doubt myself in most ways. I'm vain and I'm proud of how far I've come in a short time after high school. I worry chronically that I've had too much luck, "pride goeth before the fall," yadda yadda, and tragedy is around the corner.
I know hundreds of millions of people have it worse off every second. I know my troubles pale in comparison.
But I am very happy. I don't feel the need to be kinetic with my life now. I like this place. I'm not ashamed of that, and I don't think it is a boring place.
On the other hand, I don't think I'm wrong for reaching a point where solutions turn into more strife and the value of friendship has been outweighed by the burden of constantly being In The Wrong —tempered with feeling entirely misunderstood— and cutting ties. Clicking a button on the mouse isn't difficult, though the decision is. The ramifications aren't foreseeable, either. But I do not believe I have it in me to admit wrongfulness when I did something in the name of other friendships that resulted in not being liked by another handful of people. I totally hate being not liked; I'm not at all good at having an "f you if you don't like what I do" attitude (hi! please like me!) but that can only go so far.
I also want to find peace with the simple fact that I am happy with my life now. I have struggles (my body, some money battles though they have lessened, learning to be married and not suck at it, managing a social life and a difficult job that are completely intertwined, maintaining friendships with people I am no longer on the same plane with at times) but they are eased by the luck I've had in making the good things the important things. And it has taken a certain amount of work, though fate blessed me with far more fortune than most of the world. But it is tiring to always be thought of as a drag for being perceived as tame, boring, settled. And it is trying to have to hold my tongue when I want to say, "I'm in a good place now. I am happy!" but know it will meet with annoyance, rumoring, or grumbles. I do believe I am good at celebrating my friends' triumphs and not being too overt about my own. I do believe I am a listener, though that strength is imparted to me from my parents and my husband, who will listen to all my crazy so that I can put on a semblance of tranquility to friends who need support. I love being that support.
But I'm very exhausted of being unable to do anything right by some people who, I realize, I perhaps didn't know so well after all. Or I assumed things that I shouldn't have.
At the end of the day, my house is terribly and chronically messy and there's the possibility that the latest car payment might bounce if we don't deposit some of Richard's tip checks soon. I've made mistakes in my budget choices for FY 2010; some of the horses are old and I don't know if I'm doing the best thing for their digestive systems. Sometimes I struggle to keep up with the fundraising aspect of my job. Sometimes I forget to make phone calls, and sometimes I try to sweep those problems under the rug. I spend a lot of time wanting people to admire me. I gripe at my husband and say sarcastic things to him that I would try to keep from the worst of my neighbors. I'm worried about passing my certification test this next week in Oklahoma. I am sad that I can't travel with Kelsey right away and I wish I could show her in more ways how much her friendship means to me. My closest friend seems to want to prove me wrong on a lot of occasions; I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm just full of hot air. My dad is really sick. I weigh close to 150 pounds. That's 25 more than I did six months ago. It isn't a healthy place for my body because I haven't maintained my fitness level. I'm jealous when Richard goes mountain biking. I doubt myself in most ways. I'm vain and I'm proud of how far I've come in a short time after high school. I worry chronically that I've had too much luck, "pride goeth before the fall," yadda yadda, and tragedy is around the corner.
I know hundreds of millions of people have it worse off every second. I know my troubles pale in comparison.
But I am very happy. I don't feel the need to be kinetic with my life now. I like this place. I'm not ashamed of that, and I don't think it is a boring place.
01 February 2010
Lost time
I resolve to blog more!
.. Hopefully. :)
This is what's new:
- Richard turned 24 last week and is now in love with mountain biking. He got a bike for his birthday. It's red and seems fancy. That's more or less the extent of my knowledge, but I am trying to learn.
- I realize, in retrospect, my husband and I missed the Glee bandwagon. We are now clinging to the tail pipe of said wagon and singing along in loud bravado. It's beyond a guilty pleasure.
- I've started barefoot running, and so far, I love it. One has to start slow, however. Combining it with yoga this morning has made for some blissfully stretched and sore calves, arches, and abdominals.
- It's been cold-ish and rainy and everything is very muddy.
- Adopt-a-Horse is going well. An interesting spectrum of interested participants, but well.
- This weekend, I am riding in a classical dressage clinic. (Your silence is understood.) I was semi-talked into it after expressing vague interest, and I'm very excited, but borderline terrified. I'm taking a favorite camp horse who may or may not crap kittens at the sight of a new place and new people, and no, I have absolutely no experience with dressage. I'll be riding in my work saddle, and chinks, and stovepipe boots. I will look like a yahoo. But I'm desperate to learn, and haven't taken a proper lesson in over six years.
- Something about marriage has rendered me useless at housecleaning. I swear I was neat at some point in my life.
That's about all I can muster. Going to take a nap (yes, a nap, at 945 at night) waiting for Richard to come home from his Man Date with Bill so we can go feed the caballos and put everybody to bed.
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