B.C.— Before camp.

Today was the end of my week of training my new Wrangler. Her name is Tiffany and she's fantastic. She can ride, she can work, and she just seems to have a good soul.. if that makes sense. I'm just thrilled to have her around for the summer.

Tonight, Ryne and I took the majority of the international staff, plus a couple of new faces and an Ad Staff member, to Sonic and Wal Mart. Completely benign trip that I've taken eight dozen times in the past five summers, but it all hit me as I ran into CLJ boy after CLJ boy at the Supercenter— that was entirely my life and my favorite place, despite all the moral conflicts I had with some of the atmosphere and a few of the people. But to turn around and proudly introduce them to Ryne, and to our new CFA stafff— who, by the way, are FANTASTIC; the energy and the atmosphere that's being felt so early on is energizing— felt good. And I had good things to say about CFA without even thinking. And I'm proud of what I'm doing. Someday, yeah, I do want to be Wrangler Dave to some population. In effect.

Too little thought is going into this, as my good-natured husband and our pup are both in bed already and I want to join them. But the vibes I feel from this place as I begin to see it from the eyes of a summer person warm up my insides. I'm excited to share my horses and my energy and all the stupid songs and skits and dog-and-pony-shows we've learned to perform. I miss and love and think so fondly on the people I met just down river a ways.. But I'm ready for a-hundred-and-five-degree life on this section of the Guadalupe. These are good people, and I have a side of me that rarely saw the light of day at CLJ that I hope is what people remember about me here.

Happy summer.

I suppose I am a hedonist.

I was looking at the blog of a girl I knew only very briefly (she's still a Facebook friend and I saw she was engaged, went to go check out her writing, blah blah..)

And this greeted me:

First of all.. I strangely really like the music. If I were to be subjected to listening to Christian music for the rest of my life, her voice would likely be my first pick.

But listen to all six (approx.) minutes of that. Of special note is the part where the "Devil" shows us images of Buddha, a Mosque, and a few other symbols of various world religion. And then this gem, lyrically:

Or I'll tell you...
There is a heaven but there's many ways to get in
Keep you so confused that you stay bound to your sin
Tell you there are many ways to the same God
Keep you distracted with your methods so your heart stays hard,
I'll make you think you've got spirituality, but it's really just emotional alchemy
Oh, the vanity of self-idoltary I never let you see that it breeds
Hedonism! Whoo!

The reminder that someone with some shred of talent and intelligence still believes these things was a bit too much to handle on this absolutely wonderful Saturday morning. The reason I still cling to parts of my Catholic upbringing is because of the handful of priests and laypeople I met who genuinely loved humanity as a whole and saw life as a brilliant opportunity to demonstrate love in all capacities, to all people, all of whom had a place in a life after this one.

Then of course there's the obligatory line about the Big Bang being a bunch of hooey, and divorce being sinful, and yadda yadda yadda. I'm sure dinosaurs also don't exist.

I do not mean to show malice towards this particular blogger. I think there is power is a faith that strong, and certainly the potential for that power to do wonderful, beneficial, altruistic, and world-altering things. But to consider one way of thinking the only road to spiritual enlightenment, love, Heaven, and worth in the eyes of God is so incredibly narrow, self-indulgent, and hypocritical. Believe fervently in what you want; go ahead! But with that certain brand of belief should come an understanding that other believers of all walks of the world may, too, wish for the same changes in the world and believe in an everlasting life. Or what have you. Show your love through compassion, not through finger-pointing.

Oye. I was going to go further into this, but my head hurts with the considerations and the fact that I'm rusty at writing. Going to go outside and plant stuff. And maybe chant

Green Things

kara-and-mashley.blogspot.com/

It was Kara's idea! And I think it's grand.

Also, been plugging away at a plan for our garden. Richard isn't working the same hours during the week he'd been used to, though weekends are full— and he has a full-time job lined up for the supper. So we're planning and plotting a 20' x 20' veg garden in the east section of our fenced yard, and a compost bin. Right now, the plan is for English peas, summer squash, broccoli (I'm dubious about this one; different sites offer very different levels of difficulty for it, but whatever— worth a go), carrots, leaf lettuce, and spinach. I'm also doing tomatoes in this funky As-Seen-on-TV device thing we acquired and mint and rosemary in some large pots out front.

I want to ride more. :/ CAMPfrence is the beginning of this week, and I have a decent list of chores to tend to, but at least the hay delivery is done. Moving 104 bales a quarter mile over a windy road in little tractor frankly sucks. I am not good at "clearing my mind" or letting mindless tasks "calm me" unless they are physical. Riding the tractor is duller than can be imagined— the only upside being the opportunity to watch the herd eat, play, snooze, and kick up their heels at each other while forking the bales to and fro.

Natalie's coming in a week or two! Kelsey may be here this week! Polly and I had a good shopping trip, the first time I've bought much in ages, and it was all remarkably cheap. All clothes for the few days I need to look "Office Space" nice for work, but none of it boring. (i.e., I HATE black slacks. But grey crop pants are okay!)

Vague updates, tardy resolutions

It's nine PM and I've been in my pajamas for just under an hour already. Delicious. True, I still have one horse to feed tonight, but that's exactly why shearling boots and Carhartt jackets were designed to fit over just about everything.

While Sunday was a perfect spring day at seventy-one degrees and cloudless, tomorrow there is a 90% chance of snow. Snow. I do not like snow, especially when tomorrow is the first day I will have had off in over two weeks and I had every intention of packing the dog and Richard into the hatchback and going to Fredericksburg for some barefooted hiking and scrambling around Enchanted Rock. I fear that if that does not happen, I'll instead spend my day off in a pile in bed watching Netflix and drinking coffee laced with hot chocolate. And that really isn't what I want to do, though I guess it wouldn't be all that bad.

As stated previously, spring is very busy here, which I really enjoy for the most part. I feel like I get a little lost in the fray sometimes and there are things that fall by the wayside that shouldn't (running, for one, and laundry, for another) but I love that I've been given lots of rein to make changes and look forward to improving things for this year and next and who knows however long afterwards. (Seems like most people stick around for two years. But I'm banking on doing everything I can to avoid moving, so maybe we'll be here longer? If we build on an attic by ourselves or something, as we are already pretty much out of space?) That said, we have moved feed companies and I hope to see some improvement per dollar in the condition of about four of our older horses. NOT to Purina, though the nutritionist was a very nice gentleman.. sorry, but buying $24/bag 32% protein feeds for my easy keepers is not in a Camp Budget, not even an uppity for-profit camp, let alone us.

Richard is off to his second adventure race with Bill and Ryne this weekend while us girls hold down the retreat fort. I'm rather sad that I don't get to be around for the debut of Team Hair In All The Right Places (oh yes, my husband came up with that one) but I'm good to focus on my own fitness. Barefoot running has swept over camp as a cool new craze, in addition to MovNat and we're all sporting our Vibram FiveFingers now. Well, three out of six of us. I suspect the trend will increase. ;)

Horses are good. Trying to get Pax about town a bit more and working on getting some riding lessons at the end of this week or beginning of next. Scheduling, growl.

I hate losing friends. I don't feel as though I've done it via malicious methods often in life, but I also can have a wonderfully selective long-term memory that blots out the most painful stuff. I know I've gotten in some big snaggles with at least 75% of my closest friends, but all arguments of the sort that blow over with the right formula of time and changing scenery.

On the other hand, I don't think I'm wrong for reaching a point where solutions turn into more strife and the value of friendship has been outweighed by the burden of constantly being In The Wrong —tempered with feeling entirely misunderstood— and cutting ties. Clicking a button on the mouse isn't difficult, though the decision is. The ramifications aren't foreseeable, either. But I do not believe I have it in me to admit wrongfulness when I did something in the name of other friendships that resulted in not being liked by another handful of people. I totally hate being not liked; I'm not at all good at having an "f you if you don't like what I do" attitude (hi! please like me!) but that can only go so far.

I also want to find peace with the simple fact that I am happy with my life now. I have struggles (my body, some money battles though they have lessened, learning to be married and not suck at it, managing a social life and a difficult job that are completely intertwined, maintaining friendships with people I am no longer on the same plane with at times) but they are eased by the luck I've had in making the good things the important things. And it has taken a certain amount of work, though fate blessed me with far more fortune than most of the world. But it is tiring to always be thought of as a drag for being perceived as tame, boring, settled. And it is trying to have to hold my tongue when I want to say, "I'm in a good place now. I am happy!" but know it will meet with annoyance, rumoring, or grumbles. I do believe I am good at celebrating my friends' triumphs and not being too overt about my own. I do believe I am a listener, though that strength is imparted to me from my parents and my husband, who will listen to all my crazy so that I can put on a semblance of tranquility to friends who need support. I love being that support.

But I'm very exhausted of being unable to do anything right by some people who, I realize, I perhaps didn't know so well after all. Or I assumed things that I shouldn't have.

At the end of the day, my house is terribly and chronically messy and there's the possibility that the latest car payment might bounce if we don't deposit some of Richard's tip checks soon. I've made mistakes in my budget choices for FY 2010; some of the horses are old and I don't know if I'm doing the best thing for their digestive systems. Sometimes I struggle to keep up with the fundraising aspect of my job. Sometimes I forget to make phone calls, and sometimes I try to sweep those problems under the rug. I spend a lot of time wanting people to admire me. I gripe at my husband and say sarcastic things to him that I would try to keep from the worst of my neighbors. I'm worried about passing my certification test this next week in Oklahoma. I am sad that I can't travel with Kelsey right away and I wish I could show her in more ways how much her friendship means to me. My closest friend seems to want to prove me wrong on a lot of occasions; I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm just full of hot air. My dad is really sick. I weigh close to 150 pounds. That's 25 more than I did six months ago. It isn't a healthy place for my body because I haven't maintained my fitness level. I'm jealous when Richard goes mountain biking. I doubt myself in most ways. I'm vain and I'm proud of how far I've come in a short time after high school. I worry chronically that I've had too much luck, "pride goeth before the fall," yadda yadda, and tragedy is around the corner.

I know hundreds of millions of people have it worse off every second. I know my troubles pale in comparison.

But I am very happy. I don't feel the need to be kinetic with my life now. I like this place. I'm not ashamed of that, and I don't think it is a boring place.

Lost time

I resolve to blog more!

.. Hopefully. :)

This is what's new:

1. Richard turned 24 last week and is now in love with mountain biking. He got a bike for his birthday. It's red and seems fancy. That's more or less the extent of my knowledge, but I am trying to learn.
2. I realize, in retrospect, my husband and I missed the Glee bandwagon. We are now clinging to the tail pipe of said wagon and singing along in loud bravado. It's beyond a guilty pleasure.
3. I've started barefoot running, and so far, I love it. One has to start slow, however. Combining it with yoga this morning has made for some blissfully stretched and sore calves, arches, and abdominals.
4. It's been cold-ish and rainy and everything is very muddy.
5. Adopt-a-Horse is going well. An interesting spectrum of interested participants, but well.
6. This weekend, I am riding in a classical dressage clinic. (Your silence is understood.) I was semi-talked into it after expressing vague interest, and I'm very excited, but borderline terrified. I'm taking a favorite camp horse who may or may not crap kittens at the sight of a new place and new people, and no, I have absolutely no experience with dressage. I'll be riding in my work saddle, and chinks, and stovepipe boots. I will look like a yahoo. But I'm desperate to learn, and haven't taken a proper lesson in over six years.
7. Something about marriage has rendered me useless at housecleaning. I swear I was neat at some point in my life.

That's about all I can muster. Going to take a nap (yes, a nap, at 945 at night) waiting for Richard to come home from his Man Date with Bill so we can go feed the caballos and put everybody to bed.

Thinking on Christmas.

This isn't a very personally exploitative blog, but it's Christmas, and at Christmas (according to my favorite seasonal film, Love Actually) you tell the truth, so..

I really, really enjoyed having Richard here this year. I could not have fathomed how weird it would be to not be visiting his family in Belfast. I miss them, and for that I love their son and brother all the more. Since getting married, I have become eighty times happier and we've been more full of family and love than ever before. I've also somehow become at least twice as scatterbrained, messy, and unorganized. I've also gained fifteen plus pounds since the summer. That's painful. I don't doubt I can change that, but it's scary how quickly you can fall into a poor routine of work, play, and eating. My elderly dad is seeing some serious health problems. Making twice the money just means twice the bills for us, though we can't complain.

No, no complaints. In our current state of affairs, I am so happy.

I like to write down my Christmas exchanges somewhere, because I always have a tough time remembering months later. (What does that say about our culture? Not sure, but it's not particularly good.) So with that, I'll conclude this sporadic update.

For Richard, I bought a Gerber folding knife (which I ended up keeping, and he kept the gorgeous but large Horseman's Emerson knife he ordered for me, haha,) a soft grey bath robe, a handful of Transformers and Star Wars accessories for the new truck, some deerskin gloves and a Carhartt beanie, and to top it off, I woke him up by dumping Hopalong on our bed dressed in a Yoda costume. Which was epically cute, despite not fitting and my mom's dog, Rembrandt, desperately wanting to eat off Yoda's useless, floppy arms. He also got a motorized Lego AT-AT model (the Star Wars walking thing? idunfreakinknow..) and seemingly lots of pajamas. We also sort of consider his recent Tony Lamas a Christmas gift in extension. They're awesome, and at least well on their way to being broken in.

I received a pair of roughout chinks from my parents, plus pajamas and slippers shaped like cowboy boots! So cute. Richard bought me a fabulous Emerson blade which we decided was better for him (but the thought was awesome; it's considered "The" horseman's tool) in the long run. Still awesome. He got me the Waldemar Cookbook which I've wanted for awhile, and a card to get Hopalong DNA tested so we can figure out what makes up our fabulous best-friend mutt! Plus a little Blackaloosa (a black appaloosa.. don't ask, it went well with the Barak-Arama vanilla-scented air freshener he added)

Richard's family sent a darling compact and makeup bag and lots of our favorite Burt's Bees products. (I thought British people didn't get Burt's Bees but I guess they are pretty global. Hah.) He got a box of his favorite chocolate bars from home as well and a comedy DVD you probably wouldn't on any shelf in an American Target. I got a journal as well, and we both received a pair of beautiful, tiny silver spoons from Eve. We're a bit tore up that the present we designed and expedited to them is apparently being delivered in four days.. Richard is calling up the company (photobox.co.uk) tomorrow and raising hell. I felt awful that we didn't have something under their tree.

We also got a little money and books from my grandma. (Picked out by us, yay-- The Man With an Iron Heart for him and The Omnivore's Dilemma for me) My aunt and uncle got us a small handheld digital video recorder, good for short little clips.. I get the feeling we'll be taking LOTS of shots of Pax doing cute things. And we inherited like eight pounds of Starbucks Christmas coffee beans or something ridiculous since my family isn't completely partial to flavored coffees. I love them. So that was lucky.

I am not sure what we're going to do with the money. If we split it, there'd be enough for him to get a decent flat screen and for me to maybe find a used Wintec like the one I want.. But we could also just pay off a lot of bills.. hmm. Decisions. ;) Oh and I definitely need to invest in a horse soccer ball..

It's nice to be sitting here, typing and listening to my husband very busily crashing through his trough of several thousand Lego parts. It's a different Christmas, but it's a good one.

Training blog

http://paxfilly.blogspot.com/

New blog, for the sole purpose of recording my work with the new filly.
Should still be here, too, when deeper thoughts possess me. :)

Life's not about what's better than.

As I write this, Richard is solemnly glued to Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 and the cat is sitting outside our front door window, on the gate, staring into my soul with a look of thorough resentment and— oop, he just turned his back on us, whapped his tail around, and is now standing sentinel against the People He Hates Most: The People Who Won't Allow Me To Sleep On The Couch.

My mind has more or less been thoroughly consumed with thoughts of the new filly. I bought Bandit at the age of thirteen and the things he's taught me make up a generous portion of my skills today; I hope I can put that amount of knowledge and all the rest I've caught from various friends and employers and professionals into bringing along a horse with a much more level mind and a wider range of ability. That seems to be cutting into my faith in the good horse I have— not so! The stuff we have conquered and the fact that he makes a workable camp horse (for a confident rider) speaks volumes for his ability to learn (slowly) and then re-learn as time progresses.. But at the end of the day, someone who really goddamn sucked at starting colts started him, hit him, repeatedly, and there are elements of his flight instinct that are too far reinforced to be unwritten.

But $1500 to bring a horse out of the slaughter pens of Canada to Texas? Worth it, I hope.

Having a tough time blogging recently, in so much of the fact that life is good, I love being married, and politically I'm bordering on apathy, which isn't a feature I like to exacerbate. Money has been tight on a single salary, but thanks to the failings of the Texas Tomorrow Fund, my refund check is paying for the horse and some of the fairly minor remainder of my student loans. (Our wedding present from Grandma was not flashy, but did involve a major debt relief off of Sallie Mae's fannie.) Plus, when your house and basic utilities are already covered, it's really hard to starve, even if saving is a bit difficult.

Waiting

I would really prefer to be sleeping at the minute, but I was up at six this morning without sore muscles to speak of —surprisingly; see below— and now with a horse down in the pasture, I may be up for a few more. I know it is her time, but she's kept comfortable for now and well attended to.

This Saturday was the Adventure Race at Camp Eagle. I'll spare you the sweaty detail, but in seven and a half hours, our team mountain biked, kayaked, mountain scootered, rappelled, portaged, caved, ate meal worms, held hands, trekked, orienteered, ran, climbed, Sherpa walked, bushwacked, and got slightly lost. It was thoroughly worth it and I hope I get a chance to do another one.

And in about a month.. Should be driving up to Dallas to get the rescue filly. More detail again later, but it'll be a big day.